Gregg Brekke for FCN
March 26, 2014
In its second mea culpa in a single day, in addition to a reversal of a previous policy decision extending employment opportunities to married LGBT persons, World Vision announced it will phase out ‘biblically imperfect’ human staff members in favor of what the organization is calling ‘compassion drones.’
The decision comes after World Vision president Richard Stearns and board members met with key leaders from the Evangelical religious right, being assured of continued financial support if World Vision sustained efforts to implement more strident biblical hiring policies.
“After prayerful reconsideration of our reconsideration with partners and their bank balances, we have come to the conclusion that a human workforce that complies with biblical lifestyle mandates is impossible,” said a smiling Stearns as he held an oversized check cosigned by Halliburton, Raytheon and the Koch brothers.
“Therefore, we are partnering with these fine Evangelical organizations to provide the best direct care around the world using a fleet of compassion drones designed specifically to fulfill the emotional longings of our donors,” he continued.
Citing further discord within the Evangelical community and questions about what a biblical lifestyle for his employees would entail, Stearns threw his hands in the air in frustration, almost losing control of the big check, but composed himself to respond.
“As I’ve said before, we are committed to the authority of Scripture and how we apply Scripture to our lives, including our code of conduct for World Vision employees,” he emphasized.
“I mean, we have plenty of men working at World Vision who shave their beards, and that just isn’t biblical,” he said citing Leviticus 19:27. “And who doesn’t like a good cheeseburger or pulled pork sandwich now and then? We all know what Exodus 23:19 and Leviticus 11:7-8 have to say about that!”
“And there are women here – right in our offices, in opposition to Leviticus 15:19-24, dirtying up the place when they are menstruating. I can’t just give all the women 7 days off because Aunt Flo is visiting,” he said, recognizing that anyone who touches such a woman or even touches something she touches is considered biblically unclean until sundown. “And don’t even get me started on head coverings and short hair on these women – sheesh…”
Acknowledging his own inability to live biblically, Stearns lamented, “Dangit, just look at me wearing my 80/20 Docker stretch chinos. I can’t even uphold Leviticus 19:19 which forbids wearing clothing woven of two types of material.”
In light of such admissions, World Vision board members have decided to ramp up efforts to automate delivery of its services and eliminate all human employees within the year. A small band of blind eunuchs raised in isolation will be on hand to accommodate phone calls from donors until such time as they are no longer strategically necessary.
Prototypes of World Vision’s “CompassionDrone-X4” have already been deployed to Namibia and Thailand. Using high definition imaging technologies and infrared scanning, the biblically infallible drones scour the landscape looking for people who are brown skinned and have few possessions.
On initial contact, the drone’s auditory and holographic imaging systems offer a presentation that promises clothing, food and school supplies upon conversion of the potential target (also known as a ‘sponsored child’) to a fundamentalist form of Christianity popular in their region. Once this conversion has been obtained, the drone compiles video evidence of its target living in squalor.
Potential sponsored child information is then transferred to World Vision’s central computing system, CareNet, for matching with donors in the United States. No human interaction for matching donor’s emotional needs to sponsor child’s daily necessities is entailed, as CareNet has recently become self-aware and no longer requires oversight.
“We’ll keep those eunuchs around for a while,” said a confident Stearns. “But from what we can see in these early tests, CareNet has things under control.”
Assembly of care packages will occur in an automated factory in Vietnam where CareNet will transmit packing list and distribution information. Stearns assured reporters child labor would only be employed during loading and unloading of delivery vehicles.
“Our core mission and vision is to care for those Jesus called the least of these – mostly the brown, the poor, and the forcibly converted. With the way the Vietnamese economy is growing these days, I’d hardly call them ‘the least’ of anything,” he chuckled.
But Stearn’s mood turned somber as he set the big check down and took a step back from the podium. “With all the mistakes I’ve made in the last three days, I know I’m not perfect. So in accordance with my failings of living up to Matthew 5:48 – to be perfect as my father in heaven is perfect – I’m going out to find a cadre of righteous and biblically perfect male church elders to cast stones at me.”
As of press time, requests for comments had not been returned by any biblically impure World Vision employees.