Category Archives: satire

World Vision fires human staff, replaced by ‘biblically pure’ drones

Gregg Brekke for FCN
March 26, 2014

In its second mea culpa in a single day, in addition to a reversal of a previous policy decision extending employment opportunities to married LGBT persons, World Vision announced it will phase out ‘biblically imperfect’ human staff members in favor of what the organization is calling ‘compassion drones.’

The decision comes after World Vision president Richard Stearns and board members met with key leaders from the Evangelical religious right, being assured of continued financial support if World Vision sustained efforts to implement more strident biblical hiring policies.

“After prayerful reconsideration of our reconsideration with partners and their bank balances, we have come to the conclusion that a human workforce that complies with biblical lifestyle mandates is impossible,” said a smiling Stearns as he held an oversized check cosigned by Halliburton, Raytheon and the Koch brothers.

“Therefore, we are partnering with these fine Evangelical organizations to provide the best direct care around the world using a fleet of compassion drones designed specifically to fulfill the emotional longings of our donors,” he continued.

Citing further discord within the Evangelical community and questions about what a biblical lifestyle for his employees would entail, Stearns threw his hands in the air in frustration, almost losing control of the big check, but composed himself to respond.

“As I’ve said before, we are committed to the authority of Scripture and how we apply Scripture to our lives, including our code of conduct for World Vision employees,” he emphasized.

“I mean, we have plenty of men working at World Vision who shave their beards, and that just isn’t biblical,” he said citing Leviticus 19:27. “And who doesn’t like a good cheeseburger or pulled pork sandwich now and then? We all know what Exodus 23:19 and Leviticus 11:7-8 have to say about that!”

“And there are women here – right in our offices, in opposition to Leviticus 15:19-24, dirtying up the place when they are menstruating. I can’t just give all the women 7 days off because Aunt Flo is visiting,” he said, recognizing that anyone who touches such a woman or even touches something she touches is considered biblically unclean until sundown. “And don’t even get me started on head coverings and short hair on these women – sheesh…”

Acknowledging his own inability to live biblically, Stearns lamented, “Dangit, just look at me wearing my 80/20 Docker stretch chinos. I can’t even uphold Leviticus 19:19 which forbids wearing clothing woven of two types of material.”

In light of such admissions, World Vision board members have decided to ramp up efforts to automate delivery of its services and eliminate all human employees within the year. A small band of blind eunuchs raised in isolation will be on hand to accommodate phone calls from donors until such time as they are no longer strategically necessary.

CompassionDrone-X4

Photo by Stephen Cinch – http://www.rcgroups.com

Prototypes of World Vision’s “CompassionDrone-X4” have already been deployed to Namibia and Thailand. Using high definition imaging technologies and infrared scanning, the biblically infallible drones scour the landscape looking for people who are brown skinned and have few possessions.

On initial contact, the drone’s auditory and holographic imaging systems offer a presentation that promises clothing, food and school supplies upon conversion of the potential target (also known as a ‘sponsored child’) to a fundamentalist form of Christianity popular in their region. Once this conversion has been obtained, the drone compiles video evidence of its target living in squalor.

Potential sponsored child information is then transferred to World Vision’s central computing system, CareNet, for matching with donors in the United States. No human interaction for matching donor’s emotional needs to sponsor child’s daily necessities is entailed, as CareNet has recently become self-aware and no longer requires oversight.

“We’ll keep those eunuchs around for a while,” said a confident Stearns. “But from what we can see in these early tests, CareNet has things under control.”

Assembly of care packages will occur in an automated factory in Vietnam where CareNet will transmit packing list and distribution information. Stearns assured reporters child labor would only be employed during loading and unloading of delivery vehicles.

“Our core mission and vision is to care for those Jesus called the least of these – mostly the brown, the poor, and the forcibly converted. With the way the Vietnamese economy is growing these days, I’d hardly call them ‘the least’ of anything,” he chuckled.

But Stearn’s mood turned somber as he set the big check down and took a step back from the podium. “With all the mistakes I’ve made in the last three days, I know I’m not perfect. So in accordance with my failings of living up to Matthew 5:48 – to be perfect as my father in heaven is perfect –  I’m going out to find a cadre of righteous and biblically perfect male church elders to cast stones at me.”

As of press time, requests for comments had not been returned by any biblically impure World Vision employees.

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UCC leaders decry ‘International Talk Like a Pirate Day’

Written by Gregg Brekke

Cleveland (UC[fake]News) — In an unprecedented act of linguistic justice, leaders in the United Church of Christ have called for a stop to the use of “pirate” language in society. Citing its longstanding position on the use of respectful dialog, leaders of the 1.2 million member U.S.-based Protestant denomination are urging the end of “International Talk Like a Pirate Day,” annually observed Sept. 19.

“We don’t object to pirates,” said one church official that refused to be named. “In fact we love pirates dearly and welcome them into our churches.”

“But I don’t think we’re ready to change our slogan to ‘No matter who you are or where you’ve pillaged and raped, you’re welcome here…’ It just sends the wrong message!” they said.

Several objectionable pirate phrases were lifted up for prayer and discernment with the following commentary, including:

  • Scurvy Dogs – “Not only is it a scientific fallacy to believe a carnivore could contract scurvy, the phrasing is inconsistent with a narrative understanding of scripture. Sure, Jesus called the Syrophonecian woman a ‘dog,’ but we think he was talking to her more as a cute puppy than a slobbering pit bull, that, being one of God’s special creatures, deserves our love and care as does all creation.”
  • Shiver me Timbers – “Though timbers in northern climates may become cold, we feel the anthropomorphic quality of shivering should not be applied to trees, shrubs or various species of thickets. Even though Jesus incorrectly stated that the mustard seed would grow into the largest of trees, he had a good point. Mustard plants could shiver, I guess.”
  • Where’s me Booty? – “Your booty is on your backside. End of discussion. It is not in a trunk buried on some remote island. I don’t know what these kids are talking about these days. Who puts junk in a trunk anyway?”
  • Blow the Man Down! – “You really think I’m going to touch that one?” (That’s what she said!)
  • Thar She Blows! – “Oh, geezey Pete! No comment.”
  • Hornswaggled Landlubber – “The use of the government’s resources to force its will upon international policies is antithetical to the goals of Christ’s church. We pray for an end to war and for taxation policies that don’t fund war and for an end to human trafficking and for food assistance for poor families and for better care for God’s creation and an end to frikin’ fracking and for a new pair of sealskin boots. What was the question?”
  • Swab the Poop Deck – “In an age where human slavery still exists, we demand fair labor conditions and living wages for all workers everywhere. Though it’s really nice to have someone else swab the poop off my deck, they should be paid accordingly.”

Conservative factions of the United Church of Christ strongly support International Talk Like a Pirate Day and have responded with a flurry of irrelevant blog posts.

The Biblical Witless Fellowship had this to say: “The longstanding, Orthodox, position of pirate language is not something we can throw away with every passing wind of political correctness. We can’t give the ol’ heave ho to an entire linguistic tradition just because some scallywag is worried about timbers that God Himself and Jesus Christ His Only Son along with the most Blessed Holy Spirit could shiver if He Himself wanted to!”

Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Queer and Pirating (LGBTQP) associations across the UCC are calling for congregations to study, and possibly vote on the widespread use of pirating language that may or may not create factions in the church.

“We want everyone to feel welcome,” said a spokesperson. “But that’s no reason for me to think we can go on shouting ‘Yo Ho Ho!’  and not raise the ire of hos who have been marginalized by use of this language that is offensive to some but embraced by others who haven’t yet discovered the offensiveness of the language when it is used to offend, even when offense isn’t intended.”

The congregational nature of the United Church of Christ prohibits the denomination from proscribing linguistic standards in its 5,200 local congregations. The denomination is said to “speak to, not for” its churches and their members.

One thing is for sure; the United Church of Christ won’t be speaking to anyone using “Pirate Language” any time soon.

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